streetperson

Life is as good as you give and as much as you take. Both the good stuff and the bad.

You won’t fall behind looking forward. But you will definitely not get ahead complaining.

Sometimes things don’t happen as we like or plan, sometimes life surprises us with things we never expect. Sometimes you want to be an activist, sometimes you just want to watch the world go by. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, sometimes exhilarating.

We can age gracefully, or turn into jaded old farts. We can’t change the inevitable, we can control the process.

There’s a difference between forced and ra-ra enthusiasm, and the gentle smile that you get from someone you know is truly contented but who does yet not take things for granted. There’s something compelling and attractive about happy people. They shine.

We are a product of our response to what life throws at us. It’s not always simple, but to grow and bloom or to wither and die, that’s a choice we have to make all the time.

-Random thoughts on an early sunday morning-

When I was 25, just out of school, I was fearless and wanted to rule the world.

When I was 28, I decided the world might be too big to rule and perhaps I would be happy with something much smaller.

When I was 30, I decided that it was the beginning of a new era, for more self discovery and finding out more of what I wanted out of life.

I’m turning 35 next year (not yet 34 now though), and it’s come full circle. I decide that I want to rule the world once again. A little wiser, a little older.

In the meantime, I’ve decided that we decide to be happy

Non-sequitur: We cooked a pot of green curry and had guests over for our usual sunday dinners. To spice things up a little, we put 3 chilli-padi into the curry. What are the chances that you will get a chilli padi from a random ladle of curry in the pot?

Another year draws to a close. Too many things have happened, and I will be glad to leave 2002 behind. Dad died after a very trying illness in July, his only other brother my uncle died of complications from pneumonia, within a span of 3 months, my grandmother lost both her sons (Dad was 57, uncle was 49). Throw in a couple of complicated relationships and a good dose of drama and you’ll actually think it was fiction. It’s not been great on the economic front either, businesses are dropping, jobs are lost, and there’s a general depressing mood all around. Here’s hoping that we will all have the year end on a positive note. It’s been a heck of a year. Goodbye 2002. Wish me luck.

Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

Too often, too many questions left unanswered; where, when, who, what, how’s. And the ever elusive why.

Chance encounters that turn into great friendships. Deep relationships you never thought would end, that fade. Dreams that turn to reality that don’t quite yet fit our expectations.
Situations we never imagined, that turn out better than we ever thought possible.

But there is no perfect situation, no model answers. Just the cards we are dealt and how we manage. And when fortune knocks, you answer.

You know you have to seize the moment, there and then. Say the things you need to say, do the things your heart tells you are right. Because when that moment is over, it’s gone for good.

That’s all we have.

Moments.

There’s one right here, right now.

That’s why there are so many songs about rainbows. You want to ride the rainbow, but sometimes, some rainbows are not meant for us. And you just have to let them be other people’s rainbows.

We often forget the forest, shaking the trees around us. That there might even be other forests, and beyond that, wide plains, deep canyons, dry deserts, deep oceans and mountains high.

What if the trees were all we had?

I walked along the streets of chinatown, it was a warm sunny Tuesday afternoon. Across the hot tarmac, with the fruit vendors watering the piles of longans, mangoes and dragonfruit, keeping the moist and inviting. A group of elderly folk sat on the benches that were scattered on the pavement, next to the boisterous smith street market, trying to out do each other, wildly gesticulating with exaggerated tales of the exploits of their grandchildren.

I savoured the smell of freshly roasting chestnuts in a pan of coffee beans, mixed with a tinge of baked bread from a neighbouring bakery. With Portuguese egg tarts kept warm next to stacks of dim sum baskets, steamed char siew baoz and lor mai kai, yu-tiao and butterflies fresh from the pan, char kway teow with generous servings of see-hum, chee cheong fun and ba-zhang, hot and cold desserts that cost a dollar a bowl, just round the corner and up the stairs at one of the most massive hawker centres that I know.

Wandering through the maze of little shops with strange wares, toys I once knew, brought back memories of a time long ago, and how i took them apart to satisfy a childhood curiosity, and trinklets from days gone by; it’s like time had stood still, cassette tapes and an old opera tune playing, breaking through the banter of the aunty haggling over a rattan basket with the storekeeper.

I like Chinatown, with it’s rustic simplicity. I sat down on a bench next to an old lady peddling used currency-notes.

There will always be storms. Magnificent perhaps to the observer, sometimes frightening, it’s when you are in the storm that you want to get out.

Often quoted, “If you want to see the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the storm,” it’s little consolation. Rainbows are transcient illussions that are after all a result of playful light particles. They are not real. We all realise that after chasing a couple of pretty rainbows.
Life is hard. There is a weariness in each of us, of pursuing something which we never know can be permanent. And there are frequently illusions that we create for ourselves. Fantasies that are projections of our innermost desires, extrapolations of what we want to believe that is beautiful. Reality is seldom so kind. We want to hope, but each time that hope is shattered, we get a little more bitter and cynical. What we used to believe in so fervently become difficult concepts to grasp. We are disappointed and we become disillusioned.

What do we want in life anyway? To build a better life than one that we ever had? To return a better life to you family and loved ones who have been there? To have someone to share the ups and downs in life with? Paint the perfect picture, compose the perfect song, play the perfect game?

But the one thing that is often written about, the one thing that we all so desperately pursue, is beyond our control. Unreciprocated feelings, unpredictable people, irrational decisions. It’s frustrating. Because it does not make sense. When that happens, you find the images going round and round in your mind, you try to look for reconciliation and perhaps some reason but you can’t. The only things that seem to make sense are the things that were not articulated, the inconsistencies in what was said is confusing.

We know that sometimes we need to hang on. And sometimes we need to let go. It’s never easy either way, but the one thing that we should never do, is to walk away from something that’s started and not concluded. We’ve got to finish it. There has to be proper closure. It’s difficult but we’ve got to do it.

There is no point in apologies anymore. It’s little consolation. “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean anything.

When you walk away, you abdicate yourself and you hurt the another person. Abdication is easy, you just simply walk away. But abdication is cruel because it is irresponsible. You leave a mess behind. For someone else to clean up. A mess that you created and realise you cannot finish. And then walking away.

Life is full of them.

Storms.

Sometimes things don’t always work the way we want them to. Sometimes in the grand scheme of things, we need to know the pain is necessary. Sometimes we need to know when to hang on and when to let go. Sometimes we need to understand that in giving we have to receive.

Sometimes you need to understand that the seasons will come and go, and tomorrow really is another day. Sometimes you need to know that some problems will take care of themselves but some you will need to face.

Sometimes saying nothing is saying everything. Sometimes we need to get out of our comfort zones and do what’s necessary and not what’s nice. Sometimes it’s necessary to be cruel to be kind. Sometimes you need to stay the storm. sometimes you need to know when to shut the door, and that new doors will open.

Sometimes you need to remember that new chapters will begin.

It’s time to shake the tree. Tree shaking can be a very tidieous process but necessary nevertheless. You need to shake the tree once in a while, to rid all the dead leaves and branches that have long withered and no longer serve a purpose. Yet, you do not want to damage the tree in any way, sometimes the dead branches still do offer support, sometimes the healthy leaves need to be pruned too, to make way for more growth.

It’s a delicate process, deciding on what to prune and what to keep. Deciding on how you want the tree to grow, and how you want to shape it. Deciding on how it’s grown thus far, and if you like the current results. Never quite knowing if the pruning will yield the desired results further down the road.

But yet, there is only so much you can do, pruning and shaping and shaking the tree. The natural elements have their influence too, the sun, the wind and the rain. The fertility of the earth around, the other trees. They all play a part in contributing to how the tree has grown so far, and how it will further develop — but it’s totally beyond your control, and it’s totally unpredictable.

But they too have an important role to play, to challenge the tree and to shape it, to nourish it and to bend it. To give the tree character. To strengthen the tree, deepen the roots and yet mildly sway it.

It’s necessary to do the tree-shaking exercise periodically, to clear the unwanted and to cultivate the neglected. So that the tree can continue to strive to be the best tree in the forest. The tallest tree to provide a view, or the broadest to provide the shade. The thickest to protect from the storm, the most colourful to brighten up the woods.

There are many trees around, but what makes this tree different and so very special, is that it’s my tree.

Final words: We all need a dream. But yet, whatever it is, there is no single purpose to life for everyone. There is no meaning to life except what we attach to it — we get as much out of it as we attach to it. We need to each define our own reasons for living, for being. The sportsperson lives to play the perfect game, the software engineer who wants to develop the killer app, the painter who wants to paint the perfect piece, the musician who wants to play the perfect score, all driven by passion to be more than just alive.

It’s five days into the new year. Just spent the past two saturdays partying like there was no tomorrow, a departure from my otherwise sedate and safe lifestyle. Not sure what I will be doing this evening, but tonight will take care of itself.

It’s that point in time to say, “I resolve to…”, but what do they mean really, or are they merely rituals that keep us sane and somehow help us mark the pitstops in our lives? I don’t remember the resolutions I made last year, but definitely I know that the 12 months that I have exchanged for what I have at this point in my life right now was worth it’s weight it gold.
Thinking about 2002 and how it’s going to be different. And yet the same. Too many things have happened in the past one year, made a few new and very good friends that I didn’t expect to, a relationship ended which I didn’t think would, career got a little better despite an otherwise gloomy economic climate, the world trade center in New York no longer exists.

It’s funny how everything falls in place when put in context. And how the ever weaving tapestry of life reveals a little bit more.

What do I want to do this year? Sometimes, I envy the people who can be and are so certain of each milestone of their lives, so well ordered and how everything seems to fall in place. So predictable. But then again when I do ask myself if that’s the life I want, I’m not sure. There is a certain thrill in less predictability, in not knowing what you are going to get, whom you are going to meet round the next corner. Sometimes it’s a pleasant surprise, sometimes not so much. In both cases, we deal with it and there is no crying foul. We choose what we want in life, and we just have to manage.

Too little or too much? Too fast or too slow? There’ll always be too many questions and too few answers, too many problems, not enough solutions. We make the best of it. Right now, in an otherwise meaningless measure that we call a year, marked by 365 and a quarter sunsets, is a convenient marker that we use to monitor the progress that we make in our lives. And collectively, in our own ways, decide what we want to make of it.

Where we want to go, how we want to get there, who we want to be, what we want to do. And twelve months later, the ritual begins again. We always have our choices.

But heck, if the shoe fits, wear it.

Happy 2002 folks