Have you been half asleep?
And have you heard voices?
I’ve heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound?
That calls the young sailors
They might be one and the same
I’ve heard it too many time to ignore it
There’s something I’m supposed to be

Someday we’ll find it
The rainbow connection
The lover, the dreamers and me

Kermit

Once in a while we get moved and reminded.  On how much we decide we want to do with this life, in this lifetime.

We know some of these people. Some who will do grand things and others who will do not so grand things but inevitably change the lives of people in ways more profound than we can imagine.  They keep the human race moving forward.  They inspire us and move us.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

“Our true purpose may forever remain obscure to you but if you commit yourself to the highest advantage of others, you can assume that you are fulfilling your true purpose.“

Buckminster “Bucky” Fuller

Same thoughts echoed in different ways.  Do the grand thing to the highest advantage of others.I believe deep inside we all simply want to do our best.  It will never be perfect.  But that’s the entire point.  To take that journey, and in the process, discover the person that I can become.  And the contributions that I would have made along the way.

And that would be sufficient.

But it’s been 20 years since I left that city. 

I think I live an unexpected life.  I grew up with grandma, not unusual in itself, but hardly typical.  Looking back, I see my life as a whole series of coincidences and accidents of circumstance, there aren’t any significant parts of my life that could have been planned, that have made as much difference as the parts that have happened, unexpectedly.  I’ve been lucky though, I think that things could have turned out worse.

I was having a conversation with my uncle, the closest person that came to being a father to me, over the weekend — someone whom I have great respect for, whom I will say has been an extremely strong influence as well — in a series of conversations that had evolved through the years, that has gotten closer, bridging a “generation-gap” that had not been less apparent when I was growing up (sometimes I’m not sure if I have “grown-up”, but another discussion for another time), when he said “Adversity builds character”, as we discussed how life can be strange a lot of the time. 

That’s a phrase that I use, for myself and to people who sometimes come to me about “problems” that they have.  It’s all about our response. We decide how we want things to work out.  Not always in the way we would like, but unexpectedly, in a way that takes us a little further in life. 

I attended a Feng Shui workshop a couple of days ago, on how Feng Shui and our elements influence our lives.  At the end of the day, it seems that our lives are influenced a lot by our element, and time of birth, that sets of an entire series off events to be woven into a tapestry of life to come.  Some people are “luckier” than others, right time, right place.  Others have more challenging deals.  What is intriguing, is when two people who are born on the exact same date and time, who should for all reason have been given the same “luck bucket” whose lives turn out totally different.  It’s the unexpected life.  Two people can get the same luck-bucket but how they use it is entirely dependent on each of them.

We grow up shaped by expectations — our own and those that are imposed on us by well-meaning people around us.  We spend half our time fulfilling these expectations, and the other half resisting.  Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don’t.  But nothing ever prepares us for un-expectations.  Seemingly totally random events that cross our paths, sometimes when we are busiest meeting or resisting an overwhelming set of expectations already.

Sometimes good, sometimes not, but in either case, we are unprepared.  They are the little branches that fall into the stream that we have to jump over, and the roaring waterfalls at the edge of a mountain.  What do we do?

We ride them out.  

I’m sure we all have our stories to tell about these “unexpectations”.  Both the windfalls and the tragedies.  The joy, and the tears.  We don’t prepare for them because often, we can’t. 

I’ve had my share of unexpectations. Both good and bad — they have definitely been interesting and I don’t think I can really complain about how life has turned out.  I’ve had my share of tears but I’ve also had my share of “Look at what’s happened to me, I can’t believe it myself. Suddenly I’m up on top of the world, could have been somebody else.” moments.

I’m sure all of us have.  Be glad for them.

And everytime I think that life is really being unfair, I remember my gratitude stone and am really glad for my unexpected life.

Being together when things are good is easy. It’s the trials that test the bonds. It’s the ability to continue to love when the infatuation is over, when the sex has faded, when youth has been replaced by laugh lines and yet missing each other when either is away, and looking forward to coming home at the end of each day. It’s amazing. A love that is forged through time.

I’ll like to think that it’s a choice we make, and that one day, someone will look at me and my partner, and say the same thing.

It was really a first for me, in a long time, to venture beyond what was familiar, to break routine, to pay for a 3-1/2 day course when i could hardly claim to have been a model student in school, having only attended lectures during the final term in my entire tenure at NTU. So there I was, prepared to pick up a subject that I had brushed off time and time again. What was amazing was the series of events that took place, that led to the group of people who came together, now fondly known as the “Think Different” group. People whom I had met separately under different circumstances during the 3.1/5 days who just naturally came together when the call was made.

So here we are, we had our first informal get-together/excursion to the beach last Sunday. We’ve shared our live-stories and aspirations. And it’s just amazing how we have such a diverse group of people — I have a good feeling about the group, for all the diversity, there is a reason that we have come together. We are 9 members right now, with a possible 10th member, when the recommendation was to not have more than 8. But when pieces of the jigsaw seem to fit so well, if there be ten, there will be ten.

The dots will connect.

Where will we head? I don’t know. I DO know that we each have a lot to offer to each other, richness of our experiences and spirit to forge ahead through unchartered territories.

I started with some healthy level of skepticism (can that be?) — I’m looking forward to a great 18 months ahead, and more beyond that.

It was love at first sight when I first saw the apartment 2 years ago, the first apartment I came to look at when we decided to buy and after 6 weeks of apartment-hunting, I came back to this one. It was a little over our initial budget but there wasn’t another that came so close to what I was looking for to call a home.

Since then it had evolved, the plants have grown, the koi are huge and we have all settled in nicely. Nice little routines each day, sending G to work, walking the dogs, feeding the fish, watering the plants and then settling down to work. It’s a nice little hole in the sky to call our own.

The apartment has been really good to us, for all the things that it’s not, it’s everything that it needs to be, a place to come back to, a place to have friends over, for dinner, drinks or simply a game of mahjong. A sanctuary, just at the edge of the city, close enough to be convenient, far enough to be away from the crowd.

The time has come to move on, all happy banquets must come to an end. The market is right, the timing written in the stars. For the short 1.5 years that we’ve been here, we’ve had fantastic memories. Already strangers are coming into our home, and one day it will be a great home to one of them. Already I’m starting my hunt again, for the next place for friends and kin — and it will present itself, just as this one did and it will be a love affair all over again.

I like being with people, being around people or interacting with them. Everyone has a story to tell. Personal accounts and experiences. Of laughter and tears, of celebration, of sorrow.

Over the years I guess I have made my share of friends, met hundreds of people, some of whom have endured and gone beyond being mere acquiantances to soulmates and friends who have been there for me, who have stood by me when the going was tough. People who know my deepest darkest secrets and yet accept every single bit of me. Makes life really a less lonely journey to take.

At the end of the day, when I look back, I think it will be nice to remember the lives and people whom I have touched and hopefully made a positive difference to, but most of all, I think I will appreciate the people who have touched mine and made it all so worthwhile. Friendship should be a continuing celebration, for the immense value that we fail to see or take for granted most of the time.

So I want to say thank you.

Thank you to friends who have been there. With their quiet smiles and unspoken support.

Thank you to critics and nay-sayers who’ve told me the many many things that cannot be done, that gave me that extra push to prove them wrong.

To friends who didn’t know how to be nice but were brutally honest instead. Who showed me the stupid things I did, and congratulated me on the right choices I made, without judgement.

To people who are friends for a reason, and to those who will be just here for a season. There’s a purpose in everything, for all the we do not see or understand. Thank you.

But these demons that we keep inadvertently also affects our relationships with other people, especially the people we call our friends, who sometimes stand by and feel helpless because we don’t take the hands that they offer, and worst when we detach ourselves.

We need to learn to let go of these demons. That life can be good and is as good as we make it to be and we have to believe in such. Life is real enough, and there will be new demons coming our way, so we have to throw away the old ones. And stop adopting demons.

Sometimes it fits. Often it doesn’t.

Sometimes friends happen. But deep connections are not always easy to make.

Sometimes we fight. But it’s good because you only fight with people you are close to. It’s a matter of knowing what’s important and what are small stuff that you shouldn’t sweat.

Sometimes we cry. It’s ok, as long as we know how to laugh again.

Sometimes we have deep conversations. Sometimes we just have fun. Sometimes it’s all nonsense. Sometimes it all falls in place. We shouldn’t have to try too hard.

Sometimes you wonder where everything is leading to, if there’s a bigger picture, a higher plan. Sometimes just going along is all that matters.

Sometimes you want to forget. Sometimes you don’t.

Sometimes everything seems just perfect. Perfection is hard work and constant effort, it’s relative anyway. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It’s something you cannot take for granted either.

Sometimes you wish for the moon and the stars. You know that’s not for you to have, it’s all wishful thinking. But you are glad for all that you’ve got, maybe not close to what you think you want but usually a lot more than what you need.

You won’t fall behind looking forward. But you will definitely not get ahead complaining.

Sometimes things don’t happen as we like or plan, sometimes life surprises us with things we never expect. Sometimes you want to be an activist, sometimes you just want to watch the world go by. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, sometimes exhilarating.

We can age gracefully, or turn into jaded old farts. We can’t change the inevitable, we can control the process.

There’s a difference between forced and ra-ra enthusiasm, and the gentle smile that you get from someone you know is truly contented but who does yet not take things for granted. There’s something compelling and attractive about happy people. They shine.

We are a product of our response to what life throws at us. It’s not always simple, but to grow and bloom or to wither and die, that’s a choice we have to make all the time.

-Random thoughts on an early sunday morning-